Tomato Tumor Two Thousand-Ten

It happens every year and this year's no exception. I give you the annual, "Yeesh. What The Heck Is That Growing Off That Tomato?"I'm debating which Muppet it resembles: Gonzo or Dr. Bunsen Honeydew? Actually, now that I think about it, this probably would be the result of the crazy scientist and blue daredevil having a romantic night of red wine and Kenny G tones next to a roaring fire.

Topsy Turvy® Can Kiss My Asparagus

"Ready to discover the easiest way to garden?" Do tell, oh great Bill Felknor, you agricultural genius and creator of inverted 'mater makin'. What's that you say? Growing tomato plants upside down is the next best thing since sliced bread and the Flowbee? Oh my goodness, this is amazing. Wait, peppers and strawberries, too? Herbs and cucumbers? This is revolutionary. We're living in a world where everything is flipped on its head. Does this mean pineapple upside down cake is now just pineapple cake?

Alright, enough with the sarcasm.

Don't be fooled by this next "As Seen On TV" sensation. If the best way to grow produce was upside down, Mother Nature would have figured that out long before Billy was even a sprout. Fact of the matter is, growing tomatoes right-side up is more productive and cheaper. All I have to do is look in the backyard for proof.

The Bottom Two Tomatoes Are Slightly Bigger Than A Baseball

If you look at the reviews for the TT on the internet, you get a range of comments....a lot of them on the not-so-good end. People complain of small fruits, constant maintenance, difficult assembly, heavy weight, slow growth, etc. One person even said the plants started growing upwards.

It's supposed to protect from fungus, animals, and other pests. Really? My biggest nuisance is birds. So you're telling me a plant in the air is less likely to get attacked by my feathery foes because it's CLOSER to them? Riiiiiiight.

Here's what I know from my experience this year alone. I have four tomato plants. Two of them I grew from seeds. And the tomatoes on those plants are much bigger than anything that gimmicky plant could grow.

The Way Tomato Plants Should Look

Second, at $10 per tomato set-up (not including shipping and handling), plus a water wand to reach the higher root system, plus the special turvy tomato food, plus all the gear to hang the dumb thing up, plus all the same expenses I'd pay for plants, soil, and animal protection.... well, it's not hard to do the math. NOTE: I paid $4/pot and $5/metal stake two years ago. Those will last me for several growing seasons. The TT bag would be lucky to make it a couple summers.

In the end, you'd be paying a lot more for tomatoes that aren't as good as ones grown the old-fashioned way. That's more money you could spend on a Sham-Wow to wipe up your tears of disappointment over crappy tomatoes.

Do yourself a favor: keep the dirt in the dirt and the tomato vines reaching for the sky.

Good Gardener, Baaaaad Blogger

L-A-Z-Y....I ain't got no alibi, I'm lazy.

It has been almost a year since I dusted the potting mix off my hands (figuratively speaking) and posted on the TGLT blog. Many have asked why I didn't restart the blog this growing season; some asked if I even have a garden this year.

Fear not, the Harlan Farmshare does exist in 2010. No, not as some stupid Facebook game to annoy all my friends. Jeremy found a cuddly rabbit in his carrots. Help Jeremy skin, gut, cut, and braise this rabbit for Sunday stew. Unlike.

The Cherry Tomatoes Look Real Strong This Season

But it's not exactly the extravagant, wide-ranging backyard of crops as before. This year I wanted to return a little more to basics. I planted veggies and herbs I knew were pretty successful in the past. Yes, I did try a couple new things. Some have been a good showing. Some have been an epic fail. Cough...spinach. But all in all, we have our standard tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, zucchini, basil, rosemary, oregano, etc.

Today does mark a big day because we have our first large tomato ready to be picked. It's a lemon variety. Traditionally yellow in color, I let this first ripen a little longer. So now it's more orange than yellow. Kind of like that traffic light you ran through last week while late for work. It wasn't quite red...but a pretty good ways from yellow.

I promise I'll pick up steam in posting. As long as this insufferable triple-degree heat doesn't stick around all summer, I should have plenty of stuff in the garden to blab about.